Open Letter to an Irish Housing Estate Builder/Developer

Dear Mr. Builder Man,

I recently moved into your housing estate and wanted to write and tell you how special it is.  I just thought I would thank you for all the hard work and effort you put in to make sure I have a safe and beautiful home at a reasonable price.

I knew I would love the newly built house when I saw the bathroom door locks were on backwards.  What a fantastic idea.  If one of the kids or the man is being particularly annoying I can just lock them in.  I wish I'd thought of that sooner!

Another fun child safety feature is the removable stair spindles.  Such a remarkable idea, obviously aimed at my clever and rambunctious toddler.  If I have the baby gate up, she can still get out by removing the spindles and rappelling down.  It's great for her self-esteem and I definitely think a future in civil defense could be on the cards!

Being an avid cook, I really appreciate the care put into the kitchen design.  The way the microwave door opens into the wall makes sure I can never really clean it, saving me loads of time.  The removable window seals are a very unique addition, ensuring that I have a lovely breeze to cool down the kitchen at all times.  It's just amazing all the little things you come up with!

The power shower though has to be my absolute favourite feature.  I knew as soon as I saw it's name - Niagara - I was in for a treat.  It really gives my skin a great workout going from hot to cold in such a frantic way.  My pores have shrunk and I have a glow about me that people are constantly asking about.  In fact Gestapo-esque nutritionist Gillian McKeith recommends just such a regime for ridding oneself of cellulite! Bloody incredible!

The tiling job in the toilets is a work of art.  I really like your new approach - I mean really - who needs grout anyway?  A similar approach on the painting.  Primer is obviously a waste of money and a second coat - well that's just downright sinful.  Obviously you have been doing a lot of research into your carbon footprint and I commend you for this.

The landscaping is another thing I just love.  Some people call wildflowers weeds, but I know the truth.  Grass is so overrated anyway.  I also appreciate how you left timber and crates in the back garden.  It's very useful for fire wood.  As work continues around the estate too, it's nice to see the confetti effect from the building debris and rubbish from the builders lunches.  It really livens up the neighbourhood.  Gives it a bit of colour!

I was talking to one of the Eastern-European painters and it turns out he's a structural engineer.  I really admire your decision to keep him away from any of the structural stuff.  Imagine, with his limited knowledge in the latest Irish trends, he might have dispersed with some of the afore-mentioned features.  What a good decision to put those highly educated foreigners on the sidelines where they can't interfere with your novel approach to building.

The most unbelievable thing though, is the value.  3 bedrooms, a house on either side, a back garden, drive, two bathrooms, just an hour from Dublin at a mere €390k.  You really do take into account other people's needs.  What a sacrifice you must be making offering such a deal. 

I couldn't help but notice you are only driving a 2006 Audi A8, which must be rather embarrassing, so I felt I just had to write this letter and thank you.  I hope you'll be able to get the 2008 soon! 

I really salute what you are trying to do and how you obviously care about the welfare of middle class Ireland.  Thank you for trying to make a difference. 

With kindest regards,
Me

Comments

[martin]

Two words long in circulation- Caveat Emptor.

[Caoimhin]

Very well said! There has been boom and gloom in the housing industry for over a decade now and the homeowner will have to pay again. Such a shame. Good luck with your snag list!

[Carmelo Lisciotto]

Yes, good luck!

Carmelo Lisciotto

[Kitchen Design]

When planning a kitchen, you need to think about where you will put your major appliances. Consider the workflow when you fix a meal or do the cleanup afterwards. You don't want to install your sink a mile away from the prep area where you will need to use it for washing vegetables and meats. You also wouldn't want to locate your refrigerator in the middle of your sink and stove or have your dishwasher too far from the sink. The best placement of sink, stove and fridge is actually in a triangular shape with each appliance only a step away from the others.