Avoiding Life One Post at a Time

Hypocrite, me? Yes, you!

 

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I want to tell you a story.  A sad story.  I'm going to follow that story up with something you don't want to hear.  Something you know to be fundamentally true, but you rationalise your way out of it.  Leave now, if you don't want to hear it.

A few weeks ago, I was driving home when a puppy ran out on the road.  I saw a little boy jump up and run after him.  Thankfully the little boy stopped at the edge of the road.  Unfortunately for him, he witnessed his faithful puppy being mowed down by a Landrover. The SUV kept on going, seemingly oblivious to the destruction it had just caused. 

I pulled over.  The little boy ran out and grabbed the already dead puppy with his little hands and started sobbing.  I opened my door and was about to get out when he ran back across the street with his precious puppy in his arms.  It was absolutely heart breaking.  He must have been about seven or eight and to see his dog effectively murdered was probably extremely traumatic.  My heart went out to him and it has been killing me ever since.

I have told numerous people this story in the last week and all of them were understanding and sympathetic.

As a social experiment I then rewind.  I tell them the puppy and the boy dashed out of a halting site, which they did.  All of a sudden a previously tragic incident becomes funny.  "Well, why didn't you say it was a knacker puppy?"  That sickens me.

The Ireland I left in the eighties was a very conservative society.  It has done an about face today and has become incredibly liberal.  The younger society is extremely progressive, passionately speaking against homophobia, atrocities abroad, racism and fighting for what's right.  However other than fat people and smokers, there is one group of people that are discriminated against constantly.  The travellers.

I brought the Yankee husband to visit Ireland shortly after we were married.  We went to lunch with my Nana and her sister and brother-in-law.  Himself just about fell off his chair when one of them muttered something about black people being the dirtiest of people.  I had to restrain him.  They didn't mean any harm, they seriously just knew no better.  They're in their late eighties and arguing with them at this point was not going to help. 

Himself was shocked by this for many years.  When we moved over he was also shocked at how people treat the Travellers.  How could any group of people be singled out in such a way?  He's American.  They don't operate like that, see.

Being just nine when I left, my only contact with travellers had not been good.  Growing up in Clonsilla, we were always told to bring our toys in at night in case "the knackers would take them."

Having spent most of my life elsewhere I too took a liberal stance when we moved back and was appalled at how they were treated.  The funny thing is, I still feel that way - himself, however - does not.  He works in retail and has seen the worst of them.  They steal, they cause fights and generally make his day harder.  He generalises and stereotypes them like the best Irishman.  I can't fathom this change of heart.

But he most certainly isn't alone.  I bring our old clothes to St. Vincent De Paul and have been told by numerous people that I shouldn't because "it just goes to the knackers."

I know it's true that statistics aren't on their side, but the same can be said of many minority groups.  In the United States statistics show that more violent crime is committed by black people than any other race, yet that doesn't allow people to blatantly discriminate against them, nor should it.

The same should apply here in Ireland.  I also can't help but think it's a vicious cycle.  It goes back to basic psychology.  If you tell someone they are bad and unwanted, they start to believe it and act out accordingly.

What really kills me though, are the children.  That little boy with the puppy was a LITTLE BOY!  He has his whole life in front of him.  Think of the things he could do with it.  But society is preventing that.  These children are not being given the same opportunities that our children are and that is wrong.  I understand that a lot of responsibility lies with the parents, but we have to step in at some point.

The main halting site here is across from the school.  As far as I'm concerned, some government official should be at that halting site everyday dragging those kids across the road to school.  We owe it to these kids to break the cycle.

I know this post is likely to bring about a lot of "But they fill-in-the-blank" type comments, but I don't care.  We are being hypocrites.  We scream and shout about the injustices that other minorities suffer, we yell about atrocities abroad, yet we constantly abuse and bash travellers here at home.  What is human about that?  Where is our pride and dignity?  It's time we put our money where our mouths are.  Do we really believe in liberty and democracy? Well, then surely it applies to everyone.

That is all.

Because I can't mind my own business...

So I've been quietly observing the shit storm that started with an interesting post by the previously unknown to me, Rosie of The Spanish Exposition. 

I've been thinking about commenting all weekend but didn't quite know how to capture my thoughts.  I kept wondering if I was taking things personally, because I happen to be a fan of both Flirty and Damien, two of the blogs Rosie slammed.  I almost wrote criticised there, but criticism implies something different. 

Rosie is well written and makes an excellent point that there should be more criticism in the blogosphere.  I agree.  On my main site I have often had people come to me to say a recipe bombed or point out that I'd forgotten to add a min ingredient.  That is great, that is the feedback I need to improve my site.  If there is an issue with a recipe I love to be able to work with a reader to figure out what went wrong and find a solution.  Constructive criticism ultimately makes us better bloggers and better people.

I agree with Rosie that there can be an air of artificial bonhomie.  Personally I have not come across it on my blogs, but I've seen it on others.  Lots of backslapping and ass-kissing in the comments with the content rarely discussed.  It's never really bothered me, but I can see how it would bother others.  It is evident that Rosie welcomes discerning and scathing comments alike and I think most bloggers would, it's just that it doesn't always happen.  There's something about typing that just comes across cold, especially to people who don't know you in real life.  I've always been a proponent of having little icons like bold or italics, but for irony and sarcasm.  Alas, Microsoft were not so amused.  In all seriousness though, it is hard to get things across on a screen and hard to make emotion come through in your words.  Things get twisted and skewed as they crawl the web.  Perhaps this is why people are reluctant to constructively criticise their peers?  Maybe it's our own fault as bloggers - perhaps we should have a comment policy - encouraging our readers to have at us, I just don't know.

So far, I am with Rosie.  I get it.  I think it's a valid point.  Yet when I finish reading the post I couldn't help but feel something was amiss.  At first I thought it came across quite petty, almost high school like.  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, yada yada yada.  But that wasn't it.

Was I upset because she dissed some of my blogging friends?  Nope, not really.  They can fend for themselves, and do, quite well!

Was it the awards bashing?  I admit I was a little surprised, much as I was when I read Gimme's scathing review of the night.  I had a ball.  Sure I drank too much and probably made an ass of myself, but I met some wonderful people.  There were a few people I didn't care for as much, but I moved on and met others.  I guess I was slightly appalled in reading posts like this - that people I had met and who had previously spoken about the good time they had there - had about-faced and jumped on the bandwagon.  It seems the hypocritical nature of commenters that Rosie is pointing out goes both ways. 

I would be a liar if I said I agreed with all the awards, but as far as I'm concerned, it was as democratic a process as it could be and continues to improve each year.  The decision was made, move on.  Same with the Lisbon Treaty.  The public has spoken, now let's move on.  Indeed I was disturbed by some bloggers on the actual night who were sulking and making my four year old look quite intelligent, because they hadn't won.  But that still isn't what was bothering me.

It finally clicked with me today when reading Alexia's thought-provoking post and resulting comments.  Nothing about what Rosie said really bothered me, except for her so called criticism.  I don't think calling out those two blogs was constructive criticism at all.  I think it was mean spirited and slightly callous.   Posting about your distaste for a blog just because you don't "find it particularly topical or interesting" is not criticism at all.  That's about YOU, not the blogger in question.  YOU don't see why so many people subscribe, YOU don't understand what they're on about.  A blatant statement like that is not only insulting to the blogger in question but to many of their 1200+ readers.

Criticism is going directly to the blogger whether via comments or personally and saying - "hey, I don't agree with that" or "you're probably not aware, but you switched tenses about thirty times in that post. It's a tough concept to grasp, but if you're interested this XYZ site has some great resources on that."

If it's more than that, don't read the blog.  Move on.  You don't go to the bookstore and buy books that don't interest you, you move on and pick up something that does interest you.

In conclusion, I still feel Rosie has brought up an interesting point and definitely sparked some debate.  Yes, there should be more criticism in the blogosphere, but it should be constructive.  I certainly wouldn't list all the blogs I find boring or distasteful on this or any other blog.  Chances are if I dislike it, so do my readers, so why would I waste their time with that?   

So how do we foster an attitude of constructive criticism?  I daresay it's not something for everyone.  For a lot of people, myself included, blogging is not all about writing.  If someone came along and criticised my writing I wouldn't really be bothered, but I probably wouldn't pay much heed either.  However, if someone came along and criticised the content I was writing about, I would stop and listen and engage. 

I propose that those of us who want to foster an attitude of mutual constructive criticism do so by amending our comment policies, if we have them, or by creating one if we do not.  Welcome constructive criticism and encourage your readers to give it to you.  If blogging for you is about improving your writing, say that.  Your readers might be able to point things out or give tips.  If blogging is about expanding your knowledge, say that too.  I love it when readers point me to other places on the web.  I have even been known to change my mind accordingly.  So since I've butted in where I have no business to, I better put up or shut up.  Here is my new comment policy so:

I welcome all comments, negative or positive.  I am always open to constructive criticism of either my writing style, thoughts or subject-matter.  I am open to alternative points of view and encourage you to share them openly.  I will not delete any comments unless they are blatantly racist, or otherwise inflammatory or libelous.   I would ask that we all be adults here.  I would also ask that if you have the tenacity to say something unpopular that you do so as you, not under the camouflage of "anonymous."  If you are not comfortable leaving a comment publicly, you are always welcome to email me.

What about you? :)

Sexism: : The Key to Winning At Texas Hold 'Em

The second post in my "ism" series is going to focus on sexism.  Sexism has negative connotations for women and generally I don't approve.  I do, however, enjoy sexism when it comes to poker.  Most women can easily manipulate a poker game in their favour due to the sexist attitudes of men.

From what I gather, most men feel women no more belong in a poker game than in a coal mine, yet given the day and age don't voice said concerns, but the way they play voices them loud enough for everyone!  They call or raise our every move and when we beat them down, they mark it up to a fluke.

I've found that men are very patronizing at the poker table.  They often offer unsolicited advice or look at you with a bemused expression on their face - and this is where we can grab them by the balls ladies!

Men have something on the table that we don't have to contend with and that is their ego.  When a woman is around their ego doubles, triples if she's attractive.  This is also to our advantage.

My strategy is simple.  Let them play against their egos.  Unless I have high pairs I fold before the flop every time.  I will check if no one has raised and I have the big blind, but otherwise I just sit back and watch.  I watch them raise and re-raise each other, go all-in on ridiculous hands and one by one knock each other out. 

When the table is down to you and just one or two, it's time to get your game on.  At this point I am careful about bluffing.  I want them all to think I only play when I have something so I avoid bluffing until it's down to just two people, unless of course I am sure I won't be called.  Eventually they learn that you're not as dumb as they think and will begin to respect your game. 

This is where you pull out the big guns.  Hopefully by this point you will be chip leader, or have a decent share, so you can start bluffing and calling all in after the flop.  Try to maintain composure though and don't do anything too stupid, or you will blow your cover! 

This seems to work for me both in real life and online. 

Sexism.  It has it's benefits!

Word of Warning:  Some men aren't sexist, so this strategy won't always work and never trust a fellow female poker player!  Whilst men pitch their egos against each other women pitch their inner bitch against each other.  Give me an ego any day! :-)

Ageism

When we hear about ageism, we generally think about older people who claim to have been passed over for a job because of their age.  It is nearly always a term used to describe a situation involving a senior or soon-to-be senior.  I think there is another form of ageism in our society and that is against younger people as well.

One of the most obvious forms of ageism is against teenagers.  200 years ago girls were considered adults at their first period, now they can't vote, drink or drive until they're 18.  Not that I disagree with any of these laws, I'm just using it as an example.  Perhaps a more apt example is that of the security guard in a shop following teenagers around.  Fair? Perhaps not, but statistically realistic. 

There is a more subtle ageism in Ireland today and that is one to do with young mothers.  For whatever reason, people in Ireland are having children later and later these days.  I planned to be one of those people.  I was going to have a career, travel the world, buy a convertible and then maybe when I hit thirty I would have some kids.  I did get married young, but kids were definitely supposed to be years later... for both of us!  As it turned out I'm immune to birth control and two children later, here I am married and a mother of two at a tender 27.  In the UK or the US, this isn't so odd, but in Ireland it is very strange.  In fact the marriage part is probably the strangest, as if a person my age in Ireland has children, it is very likely she is unmarried. 

This strange trend first occurred to me at my ante-natal appointments.  I noticed most women there were mid to late thirties with the odd teenager thrown in and then me - the one person there in the most natural child bearing age - was the odd one out.  My first daughter was born abroad and people my age were the majority, so it was very strange for me. 

I began to notice further when I am out with the girls - older women give me sympathetic looks - and the 35-40 yummy mummy's feel the need to give me parenting advice.  You really should put a coat on her - she's freezing or I find this natural teething remedy is so much better than that chemical you're about to buy! It's so weird to me!  People look at me and see some poor unmarried woman burdened with two (obviously sick and cold) daughters mooching off the state and nothing could be further from the truth!

The husband and I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and I had arranged for us to stay at a nice little B&B.  I had called ahead and spoken with the lady to get directions and details about the wedding location and what not.  When I got there I introduces himself and she said "oh this must be your partner." 
I said "no, he's my husband." and she looked at me as if I had three heads.  Now granted we do have big round baby faces and look even younger than our 27 years, but still, what more do people want?

The worst part for me is socially.  Before moving to Ireland I was very social, but I also had people my own age in the same situation as me.  We had many couples our age who were married or had children and it was easy to socialise.  Here people my age are out drinking and clubbing whereas the people in their late thirties don't want to hang out with parents ten years their juniors.  So what to do?

Thus concludes my first "ism" post.  Stay tuned for much more exciting isms like feminism and piquerism. Good times... good times!